Basically, I've had nothing to say. It's been a crappy couple of weeks full of mediocre interviews, disappointing work, and porn site data entry (yes, I somehow find myself doing data entry temp work for a porn site. Don't ask). I'm feeling lonely and becoming acutely aware of the financial crunch in this new home of San Francisco. Without anything positive, inspiring, or even interesting to write about, I figured I should just lay low until I can write the exciting 'How I got my dream job' or 'Why you should relocate right now' blog entry. I hope you're not holding your breath, because I don't foresee these sorts of topics being discussed on Working + Wishing for at least a little while.
Yesterday I realized this: while society has hard-wired us to strive for and boast about our happiness and success, I think it is more than fine to be a Negative Nancy (or Negative Nick for you XY's out there) for an hour, a day, a couple of weeks if you want. Sure, I've written about keeping your chin up before... but there's a big difference between living in pajamas, subsisting on Oreo's and what I'm talking about now, which is just being pretty damn disappointed with your own situation.
We talk about crises in our lives, we talk about trying to change them, and we talk about dealing with the change as these crises get rectified. What seems to get forgotten is that after you've set the ball rolling to change things, there is this horrible middle ground where nothing seems to happen, and where you forget that something will eventually happen. You've done all you can, and now you just sit and wait in your own mess. A physical and psychological purgatory. The place where I've been for a month in San Francisco, and a year in Chicago.
While this 'purgatory' sucks, I can't help but find that it serves a purpose. When you wallow in your own self pity for a little bit, you find out a lot about yourself:
1. You learn your personal methods of keeping busy. I, for one, take on projects to fill my time (though right now they are threatening to make me a full-time part-time-er). An example on the opposite side of the spectrum is a friend who has become an expert Guitar Hero player because he doesn't feel he's ready for the working world yet. I do not recommend his method, but I am sure there are even worse ways of keeping yourself occupied out there.
2. You learn what else in this world bothers you, other from the mess in your own personal sphere. Several things (mostly crazy) have gotten me spitting mad in this time of limbo: the out of control use of plastic shopping bags in Chinatown, childhood obesity, complicated public transportation, how much a good bra costs... the list goes on. What makes you mad without you even knowing it? When you're already in a shitty mood, I guarantee you'll find out.
3. You will realize that, deep-down, you are a neat freak. You will clean everything. You will organize everything. You will have Excel spreadsheets that would make any tech nerd blush.
4. You will prioritize your time for your emotions. Being upset is not allowed when your boyfriend just got home from work, but definitely okay while you're washing your hair or inputting the stage names for all the 'actors' in Midget Gangbang (once again, don't ask).
5. You will incorporate an even more finely developed sense of humor. When everything gets bad, it somehow gets hilarious. Case in point: instead of making me cry for Chicago, San Francisco's fireworks display on July 4th (nothing more than faint flashes of color lighting up a thick fog) made me laugh. A full, belly aching, pee-in-my-pants laughing attack at something that would've opened the waterworks mere weeks ago.
6. You will write a stupid blog post like this that will make you realize that you're suddenly not in as morose a mood as you were half an hour ago. Things aren't so bad... or maybe it's that it's okay that things are so bad.